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My Main Work: A Preview

Title: Project Sparrow

Genre:  Science Fiction

--Note:  This is only a section of my main work.  It is still in progress, however I won't be posting the whole piece up here.   This is only a preview, if you are interested in learning more, please contact me, and I'd discuss sending you a draft to beta read when it's ready for review.

Summary:  Cassidy grew up under the Dome, in a self-sustained society of world calamity survivor's descendants.  He's reaching the age when he'll take a placement test meant to assign him to his ideal career.  Cassidy's test results don't turn out as expected.  Can he find a way to lead an impactful life, even when no one expects him to.
Chapter 1: Birthday Cake
It was the twenty first day of August, in the year of the dome 438, when young Cassidy turned 18 years old. Normally a birthday was a time for celebration, but not this year. This year it was a time for study, or so young Cassidy told himself, as he reread notes from a history class he took 3 semesters before. In about a week Cassidy would be taking a very big test, one with far reaching effects for his future. Cassidy felt his attention shifting and the material just not sticking where it should, and so he turned to the beginning of a report he wrote 3 semesters ago.
“Many years ago the world was divided into several groups. Each of these groups had its own culture, government, and even language. It was peaceful most of the time, because they had the whole planet to live on. Can you Imagine that, over 190 million square miles, it’s a wonder how anyone ever saw their neighbors. But they must have, because there were times when these groups had disagreements so bad they were resolved by warfare. Resolved is a poor term, because it is said that neither side was really happy at the end of a war, they both lost a lot in the process. Mr. Fodrey, who’s my guardian and also a lawyer, says that sometimes, when it comes to the biggest lawsuits, people just get so mad that they don’t care how much it costs themselves; they just want the other side to pay. I suppose this is what used to happen with war. That must have been what happened with the Last Great War too, because in this war, they destroyed most of the 190 million square miles. Well, technically the land is still there, just that it is uninhabitable. The survivors, there were only 300 of them, came to live under this Dome. The Dome, the only 200 square miles I will ever see.”
His report went on to describe the Dome's creation, as well as to name notable founders and their contributions to society. Cassidy scanned through this, pulling the facts back from the antechamber of human memory, and allowing them to reorder themselves.
Suddenly a buzzer went off by his door. Cassidy swiped his computer notepad and the door automatically opened.
A man was standing there with a plate in his hand. He was tall with a navy blue suit. His tie was perfectly strait, and his shoulders showed not a speck of dust. “I know birthdays are a time for treats, so I had Mrs. Epps cook you up something special” he said with a proud wave of his hand, revealing a Squirtumb Fish Cake, oozing with stinky, grayish goo, and topped with a Pickled Carrot and Yellow Cabbage slaw.
Cassidy gasped under his breath at the site of it, before politely saying “Thank you, Mr. Fodrey.”
“I know your favorite is vanilla-berry, but fish is better for your brain” said the man. He put the plate down as Cassidy closed and moved his books aside. “And research says that too much sugar can lower your test results.” Before leaving, he said over his shoulder “Please, try not to stay in here all day again. The fresh garden air does wonders for a young brain.”
After Mr. Fodrey left, Cassidy sat there and eyed his “cake.” Mrs. Epps was the housekeeper and occasional cook who had worked for the Fodrey household since Cassidy was a boy. It should be no surprise to you that the Fodreys ate out often.
Cassidy reluctantly finished his “cake”, and quickly got back to studying. He put aside the history notes and opened his mathematics book. He intended to go downstairs, and reread the History notes in the garden before dinnertime, but he was quickly absorbed into the mathematical equations, and soon lost track of time. When he finally looked up from his books, it was because the beeper on his door was going off again.
“Beep, Beep, Be-eee-eep” it went off before Cassidy’s concentration was finally broken. On the other side of the door was Mrs. Epps, looking more than a little perturbed.
“Mr. Fodrey wants you downstairs now. You are going to miss your dinner reservation if you don’t hurry,” she said grabbing a book from off the desk before it could fall on the floor.
“Oh no” said Cassidy as he realized what time it was. He grabbed his notepad and rushed out into the hall. When he got to the front door, he almost ran into Mr. Fodrey, who was standing there with a thoughtful expression on his face. “Mr. Fodrey, I am so sorry,” Cassidy began.
“Did you memorize the Fifty Recursion Point Equations?”
“Yes” Cassidy was pleased Mr. Fodrey wasn’t mad at him for being late.
“Good, I will quiz you in the cab. It is here now.” Mr. Fodrey put his hand on Cassidy’s back and led him out the door.

Comments

  1. Paragraph 1, "very" feels childish and undermining. Perhaps a different choice of word can express the importance of the test better.

    Paragraph 5, I believe you meant "straight"

    Mr. Fodrey's first and second line starting with "I know..." feels a bit off in paragraph 5, 7

    Paragraph 6, "Cassidy gasped..." does not portray that Cassidy is revolted at the cake.

    If I am incorrect in assuming that Cassidy did not enjoy the cake, the later lines
    Paragraph 7, "Cassidy sat there and eyed his “cake.”"
    Paragraph 7, "Mrs. Epps was the housekeeper and occasional cook"
    Paragraph 8, "Cassidy reluctantly finished his “cake”"
    Portray disappointment and unenjoyment.

    Interesting read, please take my criticism with a pinch of salt, it is personal opinion.

    -eskay

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hello Sarah,
    I am Dan of the editorial team of JustFiction Publishing, a publishing house specializing in publishing novels, fiction, poetry and short stories of all genres from new, aspiring and experienced authors.
    I enjoyed reading the first chapter of your story. Would you consider starting a conversation about possibly publishing your work with us? You can reach me at d.(my surname)@(my website minus www).com
    I'd be delighted to tell you more about us so you can decide if you'd be interested and learn more about publishing.

    ReplyDelete

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