Title: Project Sparrow
Genre: Science Fiction
--Note: This is only a section of my main work. It is still in progress, however I won't be posting the whole piece up here. This is only a preview, if you are interested in learning more, please contact me, and I'd discuss sending you a draft to beta read when it's ready for review.
Summary: Cassidy grew up under the Dome, in a self-sustained society of world calamity survivor's descendants. He's reaching the age when he'll take a placement test meant to assign him to his ideal career. Cassidy's test results don't turn out as expected. Can he find a way to lead an impactful life, even when no one expects him to.
Genre: Science Fiction
--Note: This is only a section of my main work. It is still in progress, however I won't be posting the whole piece up here. This is only a preview, if you are interested in learning more, please contact me, and I'd discuss sending you a draft to beta read when it's ready for review.
Summary: Cassidy grew up under the Dome, in a self-sustained society of world calamity survivor's descendants. He's reaching the age when he'll take a placement test meant to assign him to his ideal career. Cassidy's test results don't turn out as expected. Can he find a way to lead an impactful life, even when no one expects him to.
It
was the twenty first day of August, in the year of the dome 438, when
young Cassidy turned 18 years old. Normally a birthday was a time for
celebration, but not this year. This year it was a time for study, or
so young Cassidy told himself, as he reread notes from a history
class he took 3 semesters before. In about a week Cassidy would be
taking a very big test, one with far reaching effects for his future.
Cassidy felt his attention shifting and the material just not
sticking where it should, and so he turned to the beginning of a
report he wrote 3 semesters ago.
“Many
years ago the world was divided into several groups. Each of these
groups had its own culture, government, and even language. It was
peaceful most of the time, because they had the whole planet to live
on. Can you Imagine that, over 190 million square miles, it’s a
wonder how anyone ever saw their neighbors. But they must have,
because there were times when these groups had disagreements so bad
they were resolved by warfare. Resolved is a poor term, because it is
said that neither side was really happy at the end of a war, they
both lost a lot in the process. Mr. Fodrey, who’s my guardian and
also a lawyer, says that sometimes, when it comes to the biggest
lawsuits, people just get so mad that they don’t care how much it
costs themselves; they just want the other side to pay. I suppose
this is what used to happen with war. That must have been what
happened with the Last Great War too, because in this war, they
destroyed most of the 190 million square miles. Well, technically the
land is still there, just that it is uninhabitable. The survivors,
there were only 300 of them, came to live under this Dome. The Dome,
the only 200 square miles I will ever see.”
His
report went on to describe the Dome's creation, as well as to name
notable founders and their contributions to society. Cassidy scanned
through this, pulling the facts back from the antechamber of human
memory, and allowing them to reorder themselves.
Suddenly
a buzzer went off by his door. Cassidy swiped his computer notepad
and the door automatically opened.
A
man was standing there with a plate in his hand. He was tall with a
navy blue suit. His tie was perfectly strait, and his shoulders
showed not a speck of dust. “I know birthdays are a time for
treats, so I had Mrs. Epps cook you up something special” he said
with a proud wave of his hand, revealing a Squirtumb Fish Cake,
oozing with stinky, grayish goo, and topped with a Pickled Carrot and
Yellow Cabbage slaw.
Cassidy
gasped under his breath at the site of it, before politely saying
“Thank you, Mr. Fodrey.”
“I
know your favorite is vanilla-berry, but fish is better for your
brain” said the man. He put the plate down as Cassidy closed and
moved his books aside. “And research says that too much sugar can
lower your test results.” Before leaving, he said over his shoulder
“Please, try not to stay in here all day again. The fresh garden
air does wonders for a young brain.”
After
Mr. Fodrey left, Cassidy sat there and eyed his “cake.” Mrs. Epps
was the housekeeper and occasional cook who had worked for the Fodrey
household since Cassidy was a boy. It should be no surprise to you
that the Fodreys ate out often.
Cassidy
reluctantly finished his “cake”, and quickly got back to
studying. He put aside the history notes and opened his mathematics
book. He intended to go downstairs, and reread the History notes in
the garden before dinnertime, but he was quickly absorbed into the
mathematical equations, and soon lost track of time. When he finally
looked up from his books, it was because the beeper on his door was
going off again.
“Beep,
Beep, Be-eee-eep” it went off before Cassidy’s concentration was
finally broken. On the other side of the door was Mrs. Epps, looking
more than a little perturbed.
“Mr.
Fodrey wants you downstairs now. You are going to miss your dinner
reservation if you don’t hurry,” she said grabbing a book from
off the desk before it could fall on the floor.
“Oh
no” said Cassidy as he realized what time it was. He grabbed his
notepad and rushed out into the hall. When he got to the front door,
he almost ran into Mr. Fodrey, who was standing there with a
thoughtful expression on his face. “Mr. Fodrey, I am so sorry,”
Cassidy began.
“Did
you memorize the Fifty Recursion Point Equations?”
“Yes”
Cassidy was pleased Mr. Fodrey wasn’t mad at him for being late.
“Good,
I will quiz you in the cab. It is here now.” Mr. Fodrey put his
hand on Cassidy’s back and led him out the door.
Paragraph 1, "very" feels childish and undermining. Perhaps a different choice of word can express the importance of the test better.
ReplyDeleteParagraph 5, I believe you meant "straight"
Mr. Fodrey's first and second line starting with "I know..." feels a bit off in paragraph 5, 7
Paragraph 6, "Cassidy gasped..." does not portray that Cassidy is revolted at the cake.
If I am incorrect in assuming that Cassidy did not enjoy the cake, the later lines
Paragraph 7, "Cassidy sat there and eyed his “cake.”"
Paragraph 7, "Mrs. Epps was the housekeeper and occasional cook"
Paragraph 8, "Cassidy reluctantly finished his “cake”"
Portray disappointment and unenjoyment.
Interesting read, please take my criticism with a pinch of salt, it is personal opinion.
-eskay
Hello Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI am Dan of the editorial team of JustFiction Publishing, a publishing house specializing in publishing novels, fiction, poetry and short stories of all genres from new, aspiring and experienced authors.
I enjoyed reading the first chapter of your story. Would you consider starting a conversation about possibly publishing your work with us? You can reach me at d.(my surname)@(my website minus www).com
I'd be delighted to tell you more about us so you can decide if you'd be interested and learn more about publishing.